Chasing Wooden Teeth

Our Apologies...

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 10:00:39 +0000

No doubt you have noticed the lack of posts in the last week or so, and for that we apologize. Both of us are in the throes of intense GMAT preparation and, in the face of particularly embarrassing math skills, have had to make that our #1 priority. Martha’s test is scheduled for September 12th, after which I will be back online with a vengeance. George’s test isn’t until the end of September, which is when he will return.

It’s tough, because there is so much we want to write about - in the meantime, we hope you’ll keep sending in your stories...and send us good vibes!

Guest Post: May I Have a Bite?

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 23:01:55 +0000

This story falls into the category of how to get rid of an unwanted suitor. And fast.

I was working in an alternative health education clinic – they did massage, muscle testing, nutrition, shiatsu, acupuncture, reflexology, you name it as long as there’s no M.D. after the name of the practitioner. I did more of the receptionist type thing, though I also had to be available for on-the-spot counseling as people arrived and left.

Apparently one older gentleman (I was in my very early 20s; he was probably in his late 30s or maybe early 40s – ancient by my standards at the time) had just been told by his “alternative health practitioner” to start dating. As though under a magic spell, his eyes lit upon me right after that session, so I was his practice prospect.

He asked me out to dinner and I dutifully accepted, more as an act of “alternative health” business for the group. As soon as I uttered, “yes” I regretted it; after all, I also had to actually go out with him. OK, so I was young and impulsive, just chalk it up to that.

“How to shake him? How to shake him?” That was my mantra for the days leading up to the big event. But finally I had a plan.

That fateful evening he asked where I wanted to go. I told him “The Tea Room,” where we had to sit cross-legged on the floor on purple pillows in fairly tight quarters while eating brown rice and veggies. He was not the sit-on-the-floor type, nor anything that goes along with floor sitting, by any means.

We had a pretty good dinner with small talk that was, to borrow Simon Cowell’s line, thoroughly forgettable. But when the question of dessert came up my plan went into action. The timing could not have been more perfect.

We ordered our desserts just as the table next to us was being served theirs. The ice cream with sweet carob sauce next door was too much to resist. I leaned over to the male guest at that table and politely asked, “Your dessert looks so delicious, do you mind if I have a bite?”

Caught off guard, the guy agreed, passed over the parfait glass, and it was YUMMY to my tummy! I, “nonplussedly” asked for another bite…and then another. We transferred the dessert across the aisle once more, and finally our neighbor turned the whole dish over to me, (I believe I recall him saying, “Here, you can have the rest!”) and he and his date got up and left.

A few short minutes later (OK, maybe 30 minutes, but who was counting?) my elderly gentleman and I also called it a night. Forever.

Open Mic Night

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 22:13:29 +0000

I went to an open mic night on Friday evening, and I noticed a little something about myself. It’s something I suppose I’ve always known, but just never put down on paper. But now I will not only articulate my feelings, but I will shout them from the rooftops:

I am attracted to you if you play an acoustic guitar.

(said shouting…from a rooftop)

It doesn’t matter what you look like. You could be 80 pounds overweight, too old for me, blind in one eye and walk with a limp, but the second you grab your guitar and start singing in a coffee shop, I’m yours.

So what’s going on here? Is it just the fact that I admire someone who has the confidence to do such a thing? Since I never learned how to play an instrument, maybe it’s this magical talent that I find so appealing...They say you’re attracted to people who possess the qualities you wish you had, so perhaps that’s what’s at work. Or maybe it’s the forearms. When men play the guitar, their forearms look nice.

As I type this post, I’m watching a man - who is probably more than twice my age – strum his guitar while singing a song about stars. If he were just sitting eating a muffin and reading a book, I probably wouldn’t even notice him (unless it was a chocolate chip muffin, in which case I might notice him and think “my, that man has good taste in muffins”), but since he’s sitting on a stool strumming his guitar and belting out songs, I can’t tear look away.

Is this just a personal phenomenon, or is this true for everyone?

Guest Post: Is Hypnosis Really the Answer?

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 22:26:23 +0000

I was one of the last ones to arrive. I took a seat in the front of the room where thirty or so other women were poised and ready to take copious notes on a subject matter that’s on the minds of many single women in DC: How to Meet Men. “What’s the magic formula?” you could hear them all thinking.

Our gurus for the evening consisted of a hypnotist, a man who teaches seminars on this subject for a living and professed to know the author of “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” and also knew the guy who “Hitch” was based on, and another nondescript food critic. I tried to keep an open mind.

Our first task was to introduce ourselves and let everyone in the room know why we were at the seminar. The women were all there for a number of reasons, some wanted to figure out how to meet single men who were available, others wanted to hear tips on how to get over their shyness, and several women professed that they were just plain terrified of men.

The panelists all introduced themselves, and the hypnotist proceeded to lead us through a visioning exercise. The purpose of the exercise was to envision a characteristic (courage, intensity, confidence) we wanted to emulate and think of a person who exemplified this characteristic. The hypnotist told us to think of a beam of light transferring between us and said person and then visualize ourselves walking into a room exuding that energy. I was still trying to keep an open mind….

I got to thinking during the event about the fact that I was essentially paying someone to stand in front of me and lead me through an exercise in hypnosis so that I could meet a guy. Here I am, sitting in a room filled with women who are either looking for ways to meet guys, absolutely terrified of them, or anywhere in between. Is hypnosis really the answer we all need? Maybe there’s something to all this…

I personally think a lot of dating is about attitude. Haven’t you noticed that the attitude of desperation never really gets you a date, or leads you into a lasting relationship? Ever noticed how anxiety can kill the flow on a date? Haven’t you noticed that it’s the time when you’re least expecting it when you actually meet someone?

Let’s face it, you can spend your life trying to memorize a bunch of rules that will tell you how to meet someone, but really, the whole thing is pretty random. Everyone has their own set of rules they like to preach, but perhaps we need to realize that there really aren’t any “set rules” when it comes to dating. There isn’t a magical formula that’s going to lead you from singledom to a perfect union. Just ask your friends. How many different ways have people ended up in a relationship? I could write a book - you could too.

“If I sit at a coffee shop with my lucky red shoes and read Jane Austen, the guy of my dreams is going to walk in”…maybe that’ll happen, but maybe it’s just about having confidence in who you are, learning to emulate others who have characteristics you hope to incorporate, and patience. Oh, and finding something to do out in the world on a Thursday night besides going to dating seminars.

After the exercise was over, I sat and pondered and tried to listen as the next presenter took over and began to get into the nitty gritty of how to mentally prepare for a first date and where to meet men. I don’t remember much of how to prepare for a first date, but I do remember that I was urged to do everything from dine in a steakhouse (I’m mostly vegetarian) to join a gun club if I was interested in meeting a man. The presenter said, and I quote, “you won’t meet a man at panera bread eating a salad and crutons.” One woman piped up, “but I LIKE girlie things.” See---we all have different rules!

I was also given a short lecture on the difference between sexual and sensual. There’s a very important distinction. One is giving off the impression that you will sleep with anyone and anything that walks. The latter means that you give off an air of sexuality. Still doesn’t make sense? Just think of Angelina Jolie. One woman interrupted to ask if wearing a spaghetti strap sundress without a bra would be giving off the sensual or sexual vibe. I don’t think she got the point.

Honestly, while there were some bits of truth at the seminar, my takeaway is that most people don’t know what the hell they’re talking about when it comes to dating. You can spend your life listening to other people’s advice. At the end of the day, you have to develop your own roadmap, and the best way to do that is to develop the resources within yourself.

Here’s my advice: Be confident, have patience, be kind and generous and try to make the world a better place while you’re waiting for Mr. Right. Do the things you love, find passion in something. Be out in the world and emulate those whom you admire most. When you’re in a space where you don’t NEED to find a guy, that’s when it’s most likely to happen.

Julie & Julia & Generation Y Am I Here?

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 21:54:42 +0000

“Life itself is the proper binge.”
- Julia Child

I adore France.

It is a reality that every one of my relatives, friends, and wine vendors must face each time they spend more than 5 minutes with me.

Inevitably, a menu item, a photo, or a frustratingly ambiguous man wearing a scarf will remind me of the good ol’ days as a student in Paris – when the only “real world” decision I had to make each day was whether or not to add “au chocolat” to my croissant order.

I also adore Julia Child.

Her lifelong commitment to joie de vivre, voice octaves, and butter never ceases to inspire me.   And makes me feel appalling lazy each time I order take out from Thai Tanic.

Thus, when I learned that You’ve Got Mail’s Nora Ephron was set to direct Julie & Julia, I immediately planned my 2009 around the premiere. Not only would this film bring to life one of my favorite autobiographical books of all time – My Life in France, by Mrs. Child herself – but it would add a modern spin by incorporating Julie Powell’s blog-inspired Julie & Julia.

On Friday, I corralled a group of 8 single, epicurean friends at 9:50pm at the Regal Gallery Place Cinema in Chinatown and we paraded into the premiere, armed with baguettes, Brie, honey, Nutella, and bottles of Chardonnay.

Theatre ushers did not say a word, and fellow moviegoers (translation: homos and their female friends) peered enviously over their popcorn containers as we divvied out honey-kissed Brie wedges, mirroring a picnic on banks of the Seine.

I will not attempt to write a comprehensive movie review, but can adamantly say that Meryl Streep’s performance was nothing short of sensational. If the Academy has any self respect left – after giving The Next Karate Kid two Oscars – it will hand Meryl her egregiously overdue third Statuette on March 7, 2010 for her inspiring embodiment of The French Chef.

Initially, I was apprehensive about the merger of these two stories, given the fact that a film based on Child’s lush Gallic memoir would make an outstanding story on its own. However, midway through the movie and my 4th slice of Brie, I admired Ephron’s paean to Generation Y.

In addition to a prodigious grasp of Saved by the Bell trivia and Microsoft programs, Generation Y-ers have enjoyed a now commonplace privilege that was unimaginable to our parents: study abroad.

Each year, junior classes virtually disappear from American college campuses, as students install themselves in various global capitals for a semester of cultural enrichment, overdrawn bank accounts, and legal bacchanalianism.

Though some students return home with only liver disease and Hervé Chapelier, the majority come back changed – even if only on a subconscious level.

The remarkable thing about Julie & Julia is that it presents the lives of two women – separated by 50 years – that collectively illustrate the trajectory and current mindset of our generation.

An outgoing American from jaded suburbia ultimately discovers her/himself amidst the wine, food, and freedom of a foreign city:  Check.

An American cubicle worker living in an urban East Coast city longs to revive her/his brain activity and squelched creative spirit in order to contribute something unique and meaningful to society:   Check.

Said American cubicle worker living in an urban East Coast city starts a Blog that presumably no one reads but nevertheless finds odd comfort in the therapeutic silence of cyberspace: Check.

For singletons living in Washington, D.C., the plot line hits especially close to home. Having returned from accomplished undergraduate and graduate experiences on both sides of the Atlantic, Peace Corps stints in Sub-Saharan Africa, and backpacking trips through the Alps, Washington D.C. twenty somethings universally confront a “well, now what?” phase.

• Do I stick with this job?
• Do I remain in this relationship?
• Do I stay in this apartment?
• Do I go to law school?
• Do I think I will ever actually have enough money in my savings account to weather one of Suze Orman’s feared “emergency periods?”

The phase is as intangible as it is paralyzing.

Julie & Julia exacerbated these feelings, as well as perennial Paris withdrawal symptoms.

However, the experience also reminded me of how lucky twentysomethings are to be living in Washington D.C. at this point in our lives – particularly those of us navigating singleton-hood.

On a Friday night in August, eight underpaid, overeducated, funny, well-traveled, co-ed single friends from all suburban corners of the United States packed Brie, Wine, and memories of Europe into their bags and walked into a movie theatre.

When the movie concluded, they moved to a zinc bar at a French bistro overlooking a traffic circle designed by a Frenchman.

When the Kir Royals were finished, they walked home down European-style pedestrian streets to small, overpriced apartments 2,000 miles from Mom and Dad, which they pay for and decorate all on their own.

And when they woke up, they felt pretty lucky to be living in a city where such an evening was possible.

“Life is a banquet, and most poor sons of bitches are starving to death,” said Auntie Mame.

Julia Child left her hometown, followed her instincts, found her passion, weathered disappointments, and changed the American culinary world forever.

I think she would agree with Auntie Mame. And I think she would be damn proud of us.

Table for One...

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 08:00:09 +0000

Last night I went to the DC Improv to see a friend’s sister perform. She was opening the show, and I wanted to show my support. I couldn’t find anyone to go with me, so I went by myself...which is actually something I’ve been meaning to do more of lately, as an experiment to see if I appear more approachable when alone. Now, I actually kind of enjoy going to see movies by myself, but going to see a show - all alone - took some guts.

I walked in by myself, was seated alone, and waited about 30 minutes for the show to start (without the protection of a book, and not allowing myself to play with my iPhone). I told myself I looked mysterious, not pathetic, and I ordered a glass of wine.

Once the lights went down and the show started, it made no difference that I was by myself. I relaxed and enjoyed the two opening acts, and waited for the headliner. Ian Bragg, the main comic for the night, was introduced and started his set...which consisted of picking on people in the audience.

Can you see where this is going?

It was only a matter of time before he settled on me:

Ian: “Hey you...who are you here with?”

Me: “I’m here by myself.” (I’m sorry, but that took balls. Not only was I nervous about being there by myself, but I had to yell it out in front of a crowd of 60 people).

Ian: “Are you single?”

Me: “Yes.”

Ian: “What’s that??”

Me: “YES!” (Is this really happening to me???)

For the rest of the night, he tried to set me up with the other available men in the audience, including a 50 year-old divorced man with two kids, an unemployed guy, and an Indian man from the Bronx. He moved onto other people, but periodically would come back to me to ask clarifying questions (“what are you looking for in a man?”, “How tall are you??”, and “Did you just get dumped??”)

The only real reason I’m telling this story is to relay the irony of the situation: the FIRST time I have EVER gone out completely alone, when I already felt like everyone was probably looking at me feeling sorry for me, I actually had to yell out that indeed I was ALONE and SINGLE in front of all of them.

Good Lord.

Reporting Back: How to Meet Men

Fri, 7 Aug 2009 08:50:33 +0000

I spent 2 ½ hours of my life last night at a seminar entitled “Meeting Men: How to Attract the Men You Really Want to Date.” Overall summary: it was like nothing I have ever done before – hungry women clinging for tips and insights from presenters who covered the basics of subjects such as The Commitment Ladder and The Chart of Physical Escalation (i.e. if he kisses you, that is more serious than if he touches your elbow).

For your benefit, readers, I took extensive notes. I wanted to accurately report on the substance of the evening, and therefore was willing to look like I was hanging on every word…additionally, I had a friend come along with me, and she will be posting her reactions soon as well.

Outline of the evening:
1. First steps When Dating (mental preparation)
2. Where to Meet Men
3. How to Catch a Man’s Eye
4. Women’s Misconceptions about Men
5. How to Begin a Conversation with a Man
6. Commitment Ladder and Chart of Physical Escalation
7. How to Keep Your Man Once You Have Him

I have too many thoughts about the whole event to be contained in one single post. So in an effort to keep this entry organized, I will comment on only three things: The Infuriating Underlying Assumptions, The Funniest Moments, and The Nuggets of Truth.

The infuriating Underlying Assumptions. As the evening went on, I started to make a note of what I felt were some of the assumptions about men that informed the presenters’ advice. On several occasions throughout the seminar, the male presenters themselves made allusions to men as “puppies,” “dogs,” and “big babies.” The idea being that men are a bit thick, don’t understand subtlety, and at times should be treated like children or pets.

Now, as someone who is generally interested in the overall subject of how the two sexes interact and get along, I have read a good amount on the subject, and I have to say that I have noticed this phenomenon on several occasions. The phenomenon being that when some “experts” are writing for women about men, they oversimplify men and operate on an underlying assumption that women are a bit more sophisticated, while men are stupid. This point of view generally includes points – like one I heard last night – about how “Men need to be supported and given positive reinforcement, just like a dog (as the presenter gives an invisible dog an invisible treat and pats his invisible head, to illustrate his point.)

I am frequently surprised that men are willing to talk about their fellow men in such a manner! If you are interested in my opinion, I would say that no, men are NOT like dogs. Men are complex, feeling individuals with diverse opinions and interests…just like women. While I do believe there are significant differences in the ways men and women communicate, I refuse to buy into the idea that men are anything less than our equals. I think something gets lost when “experts” begin to talk about men as an entirely different (read: inferior) species.

Bottom line: Sure, there are plenty of stupid and mean men. But there are plenty of stupid and mean women, too. So let’s stop talking like men are the only ones who are capable of being a little thick and insensitive. We all are.

The Funniest Moments. I’m sure my friend will touch on some of these, but my funniest moments probably occurred during the “Where to Meet Men” portion of the evening. The idea being, if you want to meet men, go where men go. Some excerpts from the evening:

• “we like cars, we like tools!”
• “we go where there are steaks and ribs…”
• “you’re not going to meet a guy at Panera Bread eating a salad and croutons.”
• You need to approach this as if you were “hunting through the brush…”
• And my personal favorite: “Join a Gun Club.”

Again, the underlying assumption being that all men are gun-loving, meat-eating, mechanically-minded prey, and we are the hunters who need to track them down. I don’t care what happens – I am never joining a Gun Club. I want a man who enjoys a good salad.

The Nuggets of Truth. While most of the evening only served the purpose to scare and depress me a bit about the current state of humanity, there were some valid points that I agreed with and thought were useful. So here are a few points that I would endorse:

• As you date, consciously decide what you want. Are you looking for something long-term? Are you looking to just date casually? Know what your ultimate goal is and keep your eye on the ball, so you don’t get sucked into situations that aren’t aligned with what you want.

• Pick three qualities that are your “must-haves” in a man. And don’t compromise on these qualities.

• Guys are visual creatures and care about what you look like. But know this: now matter WHAT you look like, there are men out there who will find you “intoxicating” and “irresistible.” You are some man’s perfect type.

• Go out on at least one date with every guy who asks. The idea being that even if you don’t think you are interested, you will learn more about the person – and about yourself – if you go out with him once.

• Pay attention to your gut feelings and to what your body is telling you. Use your intuition – as opposed to any kind of dating “rules” - to make decisions and understand why someone is treating you a certain way.

• (At one point in the evening, things digressed a little and turned to the topic of sex with “your man.” While a bit off-topic, the presenter said something that I absolutely believe to be true – “People touch you the way they want to be touched.” The idea being that no one is going to do something to you that they wouldn’t want done to themselves - so use that information and run with it.)

Overall, the evening left me feeling pretty sad: a room full of women so unsure of themselves and unable to read others, that they genuinely asked some incredibly naïve, basic questions. It was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. At times I felt really sad that some people even feel like they need a workshop like this, and at other times I couldn’t hold in my laughter at some of the “advice” I was getting. For the most part, I just felt exhausted and mentally drained when it was all over.

Prologue: Meeting Men

Thu, 6 Aug 2009 07:23:17 +0000

Tonight, I am going to try something new. An experiment that requires me to check my pride at the door, take a deep breath, and bravely take one step after another: I am going to a seminar entitled “Meeting Men.”

Please don’t judge. For one, I now find myself one of the authors of a blog about single life in D.C., so I’m thinking it could be relevant to consult the “experts.” Second, I’ve been spending so much time hanging out with my gay guy friends (and having a blast), that I could probably use a crash course in the subject. If the class were called “How to Meet Hysterical, Super Fun Gay Men,” I would be teaching it.

If you’re like me, your mind may have immediately jumped to that issue of Sex and the City where Carrie teaches the class “Bright Lights, Date City” about how to meet men in NYC to a group of clueless, desperate, generally unattractive women...oh hell, I need a drink already.

So tune in tomorrow to read how it goes - I’m 100% sure I’ll leave the evening with very strong opinions one way or another, and maybe I’ll even hear something thought-provoking/interesting to share with you??

Wish me luck!
-Martha

Description of the Seminar:

Back when mom was young, and “The Rules” worked, there were time honored ways for a lady to attract a great man. Tradition, small towns, and coy behavior were the tools that savvy grandmothers handed down. But, with those times long faded, what is a big city woman to do?

Our experts have those answers and more! The speakers in this introductory seminar to our system have decoded the new social cues in modern society to allow women to successfully navigate the rocky waves of single-dom to the shores of dating bliss.

This evening you will learn these VITAL skills:

• How to create a healthy, sexy, and confident image.
• How to begin a conversation with a man you choose.
• How to touch a man in a way that says “I am interested and I like you.” Not “I would like to be attacked like a starving lion on a pork chop!”
• How to keep your man once you have one in your life that you enjoy.
• How to “step up” the “Commitment Ladder” without appearing needy.
• How to employ the no-fail gambit that will keep undesirable men away.
• How to find the men you want in your life by tweaking your life: “The Wikipedia Principle”
• How to employ the “Rule of Clusters” to generate the correct impressions about you.
• How to talk to men: Male Communication 101

Our team consists of men and women trained in all aspects of social dynamics including body language expertise, party planning, business, sales, date coaching, and television dating show consultations. Our curriculum was designed by a professional educator and is composed of modules that apply to all aspects of human interaction.

Ladies, the tactics you will learn here are real. Real men telling you what works, but more importantly real women sharing the secrets that make dating successful. Many who claim to be dating experts for women clearly have no issue getting dates when you see them because they look like a Barbie Doll. It can be disheartening for the average woman, to be told strategies that are not applicable to everyone.

But imagine walking into a room taught by charismatic men, and women that look and behave like you! The success of this system is based primarily on force of personality. Invest in your future by joining us for this life altering event! As a bonus, you will have the opportunity to test your new talents in a real life environment with real men, and get IMMEDIATE feedback from our experts. An invaluable experience!